The jackalope nods at him and curls up on his lap before Gabriel starts when touched. Why is he so sad?]
I went into the storm and I saw Aziraphale's trial.
[He exhales] And it was made clear, that I wanted to kill him because he defied me - not because he defied her.
[He stares at his hands before looking back at Eve] You forget, wearing these suits, that we're not human, but I've spent the most time among humans - and human shaped things here - then I ever have and it is...disorienting.
And after how I behaved when I was possessed I'm...I feel things.
[Eve listens to him quietly, sympathy in her eyes. She cares deeply for Aziraphale so of course she's sad to hear that Gabriel tried to harm him, but it happens sometimes, and the fact he's reflecting on it is a good thing. And Aziraphale seems to have moved past it, which is the important part. She loves the Devil after all, she's the last person to judge too harshly.]
That's probably why Crowley and Aziraphale are how they are, you know. They've spent a lot of time with humanity.
[Humanity is complex and difficult and she loves it dearly. She reaches out to touch his knee gently.]
You weren't in control of yourself. That's terrifying. You're not used to that power being taken away from you. It's a lot, and it's okay to feel anything you feel.
It's not my fault. I don't think they get that. Someone had to take charge. I lead the host. Michael leads the armies. It's not like we can just- y'know - go down to watch a movie or something. I'm lucky I get time to shop.
[Had he ever wanted to? That thought drifted across his mind and he squeezed the jackalope. Violet - the newly christened creature - offers a little sigh before grinding his teeth again and letting himself be held.
It's strange. The thing called Gabriel looks nothing like the man in front of her. He's a pile of wings and claws - designed for speed and swiftness. Michael is designed for fury and Uriel is designed for silence (Sandalphon designed to keep up with them, a malleable thing.)
But he has a corporation and he wanted it because his old one never felt right, and this one had power. Humans listened to him and while he knew what he looked like maybe he saw himself as this and thought he was this and that was terrifying because...
Because she had made him and he was afraid of losing her.
That fear ran through the heart of every Celestial. It's why Crowley is so broken, why Aziraphale is so secure and yet so worried. There is no being more codependent then one that has absolute power. Like an overly dependent mother, like a father who struggled to rise and give his children everything before realizing they could work for nothing.
It is inhibiting. It is enabling. It is it's own special form of abuse of power. What's worse, like all parents, they keep their secrets and their children know nothing.
But Gabriel is ashamed because the human instinct is to curl around the jackalope-
(Violet, for his part, chose a creature with power and - well. After a lifetime of running from powerful predators learned that the biggest and the scariest - man - were nothing at all. It was comforting to realize the scariest were also weak.)
It's okay to feel anything you feel]
I liked it. I'm used to being in power, to being in charge. First Aziraphale - becomes - whatever he is. It's not an angel, not anymore. He doesn't care.
[He uncurls]
And I mean, he fucking lied. He lied to me, for years and says we're - we're the bad guys? "Oh sorry we're suddenly friends with the bad guys?"
[His jaw works and the jackalope wriggles and jumps down. He bares his teeth and stands, angry.]
I thought he was planning an operation. I trusted the slimey little bastard and he was always...
[No. He wasn't. Gabriel is a lot of things and he's pretty stupid but he's not unaware of himself and his anger, his judgement. He doesn't want to inflict this on her so he stops, and breathes, and turns back with more tears on his face.]
He wasn't always. There are millions of us. I don't remember him at all and I doubt I thought of him. This little nothing became something huge and I-of course I'd chase after that power. I don't understand it and I want to and was that-was that the dark side of me? That's what I keep going through. If I had fallen? Would that have been me? Something even more powerful?
But I tasted it. That power I wanted.
And it hurt me. I almost died.
[he inhaled and looked at her before offering her a rueful smile. It's genuine.]
[Since this was more or less confession, like any good priest, Eve stays quiet and lets him get it out. She listens to him without stepping in to stop him and lets him stand and be angry if he wants to. Sometimes venting gets people to the truth, and it seems to help him.
Eve has been a listener for centuries now. She greeted people to Heaven, she heard about their lives, she soothed them if they were worried about their families, and she supported everyone with hugs or with words, depending on what they need. Maybe that is exactly how God made her, but she can live with that. She'd rather be a good ear for others than try to deny it to rebel against the docile woman He created. It won't do anything other than hurt her to stop being what feels right to her.
She stands too although without her heels she's so small in comparison to him, almost an entire foot shorter and petite. So she reaches out to take his hand in one of her tiny ones.]
You can't know what you would have done or been in that situation. It's the past now, unchangeable. But you have control over who you can be from here.
[Her other hand reaches up to brush the tears from his eyes, like she's done for others before and will after. A nurturer to her core.]
I know being without her is difficult, but this also means that you can find out who you are without her, Gabriel. You can finally learn about yourself separated from all the influences and responsibilities.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-11-30 04:31 am (UTC)The jackalope nods at him and curls up on his lap before Gabriel starts when touched. Why is he so sad?]
I went into the storm and I saw Aziraphale's trial.
[He exhales] And it was made clear, that I wanted to kill him because he defied me - not because he defied her.
[He stares at his hands before looking back at Eve] You forget, wearing these suits, that we're not human, but I've spent the most time among humans - and human shaped things here - then I ever have and it is...disorienting.
And after how I behaved when I was possessed I'm...I feel things.
[fear.]
no subject
Date: 2019-12-01 10:49 pm (UTC)That's probably why Crowley and Aziraphale are how they are, you know. They've spent a lot of time with humanity.
[Humanity is complex and difficult and she loves it dearly. She reaches out to touch his knee gently.]
You weren't in control of yourself. That's terrifying. You're not used to that power being taken away from you. It's a lot, and it's okay to feel anything you feel.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-01 11:45 pm (UTC)[Had he ever wanted to? That thought drifted across his mind and he squeezed the jackalope. Violet - the newly christened creature - offers a little sigh before grinding his teeth again and letting himself be held.
It's strange. The thing called Gabriel looks nothing like the man in front of her. He's a pile of wings and claws - designed for speed and swiftness. Michael is designed for fury and Uriel is designed for silence (Sandalphon designed to keep up with them, a malleable thing.)
But he has a corporation and he wanted it because his old one never felt right, and this one had power. Humans listened to him and while he knew what he looked like maybe he saw himself as this and thought he was this and that was terrifying because...
Because she had made him and he was afraid of losing her.
That fear ran through the heart of every Celestial. It's why Crowley is so broken, why Aziraphale is so secure and yet so worried. There is no being more codependent then one that has absolute power. Like an overly dependent mother, like a father who struggled to rise and give his children everything before realizing they could work for nothing.
It is inhibiting. It is enabling. It is it's own special form of abuse of power. What's worse, like all parents, they keep their secrets and their children know nothing.
But Gabriel is ashamed because the human instinct is to curl around the jackalope-
(Violet, for his part, chose a creature with power and - well. After a lifetime of running from powerful predators learned that the biggest and the scariest - man - were nothing at all. It was comforting to realize the scariest were also weak.)
It's okay to feel anything you feel]
I liked it. I'm used to being in power, to being in charge. First Aziraphale - becomes - whatever he is. It's not an angel, not anymore. He doesn't care.
[He uncurls]
And I mean, he fucking lied. He lied to me, for years and says we're - we're the bad guys? "Oh sorry we're suddenly friends with the bad guys?"
[His jaw works and the jackalope wriggles and jumps down. He bares his teeth and stands, angry.]
I thought he was planning an operation. I trusted the slimey little bastard and he was always...
[No. He wasn't. Gabriel is a lot of things and he's pretty stupid but he's not unaware of himself and his anger, his judgement. He doesn't want to inflict this on her so he stops, and breathes, and turns back with more tears on his face.]
He wasn't always. There are millions of us. I don't remember him at all and I doubt I thought of him. This little nothing became something huge and I-of course I'd chase after that power. I don't understand it and I want to and was that-was that the dark side of me? That's what I keep going through. If I had fallen? Would that have been me? Something even more powerful?
But I tasted it. That power I wanted.
And it hurt me. I almost died.
[he inhaled and looked at her before offering her a rueful smile. It's genuine.]
I feel better. Confession really is good for you.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-03 02:58 am (UTC)Eve has been a listener for centuries now. She greeted people to Heaven, she heard about their lives, she soothed them if they were worried about their families, and she supported everyone with hugs or with words, depending on what they need. Maybe that is exactly how God made her, but she can live with that. She'd rather be a good ear for others than try to deny it to rebel against the docile woman He created. It won't do anything other than hurt her to stop being what feels right to her.
She stands too although without her heels she's so small in comparison to him, almost an entire foot shorter and petite. So she reaches out to take his hand in one of her tiny ones.]
You can't know what you would have done or been in that situation. It's the past now, unchangeable. But you have control over who you can be from here.
[Her other hand reaches up to brush the tears from his eyes, like she's done for others before and will after. A nurturer to her core.]
I know being without her is difficult, but this also means that you can find out who you are without her, Gabriel. You can finally learn about yourself separated from all the influences and responsibilities.